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You might have been managing the kids all day without a break. Or perhaps you have devoted the day to
fixing up the house, or mending your relationship with your best friend. When your partner comes home,
And, of course, your partner wants the same thing. We want our stories to be heard; we want our most
important loved ones to understand us.
This is especially the case when we are having a conflict. Your partner wants to spend the money on a
painting the house; you want to wait a year. When conflicts arise, we want our positions to be heard. It’s
very easy not to stop to listen.
But in such circumstances, listening – active listening -- is often the key to resolving a conflict and making
our partners feel heard, held and understood.
What is active listening? Active listening occurs when we put aside our own agenda and attend closely to
what our partner is saying, thinking and feeling. When we engage in active listening, our goal is not (for
now) to advance our own agenda or to state our own needs. Instead, it is to show the other person that
we understand what they are thinking and feeling.
Active listening is an empathic process. To really listen actively, we don’t simply hear what our partner is
saying; we try to feel what they are feeling. At least for now, we make their problem our own. We try to
see and feel the world for their point of view. And we let our partner take the time that she needs to
really say what is on her mind.
But active listening is more than simply listening with close attention. We also have to show the other
person that we understand their thoughts and feelings. How is this done?
This is not done by saying, “I understand” or “I get it” or something vague like that. Don’t tell your partner
that you understand, show him that you understand. How can this be done? It can be done in two basic
steps: First, with feeling, restate or summarize what you think your partner was trying to say. Second, say
something about what it must be like to feel like your partner feels.
Now, you might be thinking, “But of course I know what she is thinking! She just told me!” Or perhaps you
might be thinking, “This sounds like a formula, as if I’m just repeating back what my partner just said. I’ll
sound like a robot!”
Well, you won’t sound like a robot – in fact you can’t sound like a robot – if you are really trying to listen and
show your partner that you understand. That’s because listening is hard. It is so easy to misunderstand
someone. When you try to explain what you think your partner is feeling, she will not only feel cared
about, but you are also giving your partner the chance to check your understanding! You might be a bit off
– and when she tells you where you are off, she gives you the opportunity to show her that you care about
getting it right.
Isabela: “Today was a terrible day. I took the boys for a playdate with Susie and her kids. We were playing
in the park. She kept asking me, “Are you gonna let your kids play so far away? Don’t you think we should
be closer to the kids when they are on the jungle gym?” Argh! She drove me crazy.”
Now here, Marc isn’t engaging in active listening. He has not really showed Isabela that he understands
what she is thinking or feeling. It would be easy for Isabela to think that Marc didn’t understand what she
was feeling at all!
Now, how about this:
What just happened? In just a few words, Marc showed Isabela that he understood what she said; he gave
her the opportunity to correct him; he expressed compassion for what she was feeling; and he didn’t
advance his own agenda! The result? Isabela is likely to feel understood.
Here’s another example, this time in an argument.
Isabela may or may not have a point. But she sure didn’t win any by jumping in without listening more
carefully. Here’s what might have happened:
Now, something different has happened. Marc responded empathically and with understanding.
Now, this is a very different outcome. Isabela responded with empathy and understanding. This made
Marc feel that Isabela cared about what he was feeling. It also gave Isabela a chance to express herself
even more clearly. For example, she was able to correct Marc’s belief that Isabela felt taken advantage of.
Instead, Isabela was simply feeling unappreciated. The issue is out in the open, and they can talk about it.
During a disagreement or a conflict, active listening can go a long way to show that you care about your
partner. That caring goes a long way. And when you really listen, you might find that you don’t disagree as
much as you might think. This is one reason why communicating is so important to developing your
relationship.
fixing up the house, or mending your relationship with your best friend. When your partner comes home,
And, of course, your partner wants the same thing. We want our stories to be heard; we want our most
important loved ones to understand us.
This is especially the case when we are having a conflict. Your partner wants to spend the money on a
painting the house; you want to wait a year. When conflicts arise, we want our positions to be heard. It’s
very easy not to stop to listen.
But in such circumstances, listening – active listening -- is often the key to resolving a conflict and making
our partners feel heard, held and understood.
What is active listening? Active listening occurs when we put aside our own agenda and attend closely to
what our partner is saying, thinking and feeling. When we engage in active listening, our goal is not (for
now) to advance our own agenda or to state our own needs. Instead, it is to show the other person that
we understand what they are thinking and feeling.
Active listening is an empathic process. To really listen actively, we don’t simply hear what our partner is
saying; we try to feel what they are feeling. At least for now, we make their problem our own. We try to
see and feel the world for their point of view. And we let our partner take the time that she needs to
really say what is on her mind.
But active listening is more than simply listening with close attention. We also have to show the other
person that we understand their thoughts and feelings. How is this done?
This is not done by saying, “I understand” or “I get it” or something vague like that. Don’t tell your partner
that you understand, show him that you understand. How can this be done? It can be done in two basic
steps: First, with feeling, restate or summarize what you think your partner was trying to say. Second, say
something about what it must be like to feel like your partner feels.
Now, you might be thinking, “But of course I know what she is thinking! She just told me!” Or perhaps you
might be thinking, “This sounds like a formula, as if I’m just repeating back what my partner just said. I’ll
sound like a robot!”
Well, you won’t sound like a robot – in fact you can’t sound like a robot – if you are really trying to listen and
show your partner that you understand. That’s because listening is hard. It is so easy to misunderstand
someone. When you try to explain what you think your partner is feeling, she will not only feel cared
about, but you are also giving your partner the chance to check your understanding! You might be a bit off
– and when she tells you where you are off, she gives you the opportunity to show her that you care about
getting it right.
Isabela: “Today was a terrible day. I took the boys for a playdate with Susie and her kids. We were playing
in the park. She kept asking me, “Are you gonna let your kids play so far away? Don’t you think we should
be closer to the kids when they are on the jungle gym?” Argh! She drove me crazy.”
- Marc: “Why didn’t you just tell her what her that you thought the kids were fine?”
Now here, Marc isn’t engaging in active listening. He has not really showed Isabela that he understands
what she is thinking or feeling. It would be easy for Isabela to think that Marc didn’t understand what she
was feeling at all!
Now, how about this:
- Marc: I see. You went to the park and it was as if Susie were criticizing how you were supervising
the kids. That must have felt horrible.
What just happened? In just a few words, Marc showed Isabela that he understood what she said; he gave
her the opportunity to correct him; he expressed compassion for what she was feeling; and he didn’t
advance his own agenda! The result? Isabela is likely to feel understood.
Here’s another example, this time in an argument.
- Isabela: Why are you stomping around the house?
Marc: Because your friends are coming over for dinner and I’m the one cleaning the house!
Isabela: Look, I did a whole lot of cleaning when I got up this morning. You were still in bed so you
didn’t see it. When your friends come over, I help without complaining.
Isabela may or may not have a point. But she sure didn’t win any by jumping in without listening more
carefully. Here’s what might have happened:
- Isabela: I see. Your upset because you think that I should be helping you out more.
Marc: You bet. I’ve been cleaning and you have been on the internet all day. You must feel that I’m
taking advantage of you or something. That’s a lousy way to feel.
Isabela: No, I don’t actually feel that you are taking advantage of me. I’m actually happy to do the
cleaning. You just don’t seem appreciative.
Now, something different has happened. Marc responded empathically and with understanding.
Now, this is a very different outcome. Isabela responded with empathy and understanding. This made
Marc feel that Isabela cared about what he was feeling. It also gave Isabela a chance to express herself
even more clearly. For example, she was able to correct Marc’s belief that Isabela felt taken advantage of.
Instead, Isabela was simply feeling unappreciated. The issue is out in the open, and they can talk about it.
During a disagreement or a conflict, active listening can go a long way to show that you care about your
partner. That caring goes a long way. And when you really listen, you might find that you don’t disagree as
much as you might think. This is one reason why communicating is so important to developing your
relationship.
| © Copyright 2009-2011, Michael F. Mascolo Ph.D.& Associates 1-866-55-COACH (1-866-552-6224)-- In Massachusetts 978.979.8745 |
| Managing Relationships: The Art of Active Listening Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
