 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
Karen – you know, the one who is always complaining that no one consults her -- to take a look at my report. First
she says that she didn’t have any time. And then she reads it, and all she can do is criticize. It makes me so mad!
Ed: Well, after all, you did ask her for feedback.
Vera: I know, but that’s why nobody asks her for anything! She is so negative. I think it’s because she’s insecure. I
thought that by asking for her opinion that she would feel good about being asked and that she wouldn’t feel the
need to be so critical.
Ed: Yeah, but if she’s insecure, that’s her problem. You can’t take on her problems for her.
Vera: It’s my problem if she’s always defensive whenever I talk to her.
Ed: Next time, why don’t you just avoid her and ask someone else? Or, you could ask her for feedback, but tell her you
want her to acknowledge some of the good things in your report too.
Vera: I’m not asking you to fix the problem. I’m asking you to be supportive.
Ed: (Frustrated) You just want me to just make you feel better. If you want to feel better, you have to fix the problem.
Vera: (Frustrated) You are impossible!
Does this sound familiar? Vera wants to tell her partner Ed about her day. She describes what happened with her co-
worker Karen. Vera wants to feel understood, listened to and supported. Ed wants to fix the problem that Very has
described. Both become frustrated with each other. Why is this happened? What can be done about it?
First of all, as much as you may not want to believe it, neither Ed nor Vera is either right or wrong. They simply approach
the issue of communicating from very different perspectives. Vera and Ed – like many men and women – want different
things when they talk about their everyday problems. Understanding the difference between what men and women often
want is a first step to making things better. It won’t make conflicts go away; but it may make them easier to deal with.
Men and women often (but by no means always) approach social relationships in different ways. Many men tend to
experience their relationships to others in terms of hierarchy, competence, and status. They are often more focused on
being competent in a competitive environment where some people are superiors, others equals, and still others
subordinates. Part of being involved in a competitive hierarchy is being seen as competent to solve problems. For many
men, when problems arise, the top priority is solving the problem.
Many women, however, tend to experience their relationships as a kind of web of connections with other people. Women
tend to focus less on separateness and status and more on closeness and emotional connection. For many women, when
the talk turns to everyday problems, the top priority is to feel listened to, understood and supported. Only after that
happens can problem solving begin.
(It is very important to understand that these two perspectives – hierarchy and problem solving versus emotional
connection – are gender-related but not gender-specific. Men want and are capable of emotional connection. Women
are concerned with status and competence within social hierarchies. However, men tend to focus less on emotional
connection and women tend to focus less on status and problem solving. Both modes exist among males and females; one is
simply more central than the other in either sex.)
Now this clash of perspectives causes a great deal of conflict and misunderstanding! Consider the following exchange:
Dave: Today my boss gave me an extra assignment to do a half hour before I was supposed to leave. And he wanted it at
the end of the day. I was so angry!
Ellen: Yeah. Last week, at the last minute, my secretary scheduled another client for me to see. I wasn’t happy at all!
Dave: Why are you changing the subject? I’m trying to tell you about why I’m late, and there you go talking about
something that happened to you! Do you think your experience is more important than mine?
Ellen: Chill out! I was just trying to sympathize! I was just trying to show you that I understand what you were
experiencing!
This is a classic! Dave feels that Ellen is changing the subject because she is talking about something that happened to
her. But Ellen doesn’t experience herself as changing the subject – she describes her own similar experience so that Dave
can feel understood. The conflict occurred because Dave and Ellen approached the same interaction from very different
perspectives.
Here’s another all-too-common example:
Duncan: Where do you want to eat tonight?
Cindy: Do you want to go to Vincenzo’s?
Duncan: I’m asking you where you want to go!
Cindy: I just told you! Why don’t we go to Vincenzo’s?
Duncan: You didn’t just tell me; you asked me what I wanted!
Cindy: I don’t want to make the decision myself. I’m trying to be considerate. When I say, ‘Why not Vincenzo’s’, I’m
saying that I want to go there, but only if you do.
Duncan: You want me to read your mind. Why can’t you just say what you want?
Cindy: I don’t want to be so explicit. You could try a little mind reading, you know.
Here we go again! Duncan wants Cindy to be straight with him – cut to the chase and tell me what you want! Duncan
wants the problem solved. Cindy, however, wants to preserve the emotional connection. By only hinting at what she
wants, she tries to take into account Duncan’s feelings. The result is something that neither partner wanted to happen!
So, who’s right? Really – no one. They’re just frustratingly different! So, what’s a couple to do?
Relationships develop through talk. And when talk fails, that’s when more talk is needed. Reducing gender-based barriers
to communication can make a big difference in your attempts to manage the inevitable conflicts that arise in any
relationship.
she says that she didn’t have any time. And then she reads it, and all she can do is criticize. It makes me so mad!
Ed: Well, after all, you did ask her for feedback.
Vera: I know, but that’s why nobody asks her for anything! She is so negative. I think it’s because she’s insecure. I
thought that by asking for her opinion that she would feel good about being asked and that she wouldn’t feel the
need to be so critical.
Ed: Yeah, but if she’s insecure, that’s her problem. You can’t take on her problems for her.
Vera: It’s my problem if she’s always defensive whenever I talk to her.
Ed: Next time, why don’t you just avoid her and ask someone else? Or, you could ask her for feedback, but tell her you
want her to acknowledge some of the good things in your report too.
Vera: I’m not asking you to fix the problem. I’m asking you to be supportive.
Ed: (Frustrated) You just want me to just make you feel better. If you want to feel better, you have to fix the problem.
Vera: (Frustrated) You are impossible!
Does this sound familiar? Vera wants to tell her partner Ed about her day. She describes what happened with her co-
worker Karen. Vera wants to feel understood, listened to and supported. Ed wants to fix the problem that Very has
described. Both become frustrated with each other. Why is this happened? What can be done about it?
First of all, as much as you may not want to believe it, neither Ed nor Vera is either right or wrong. They simply approach
the issue of communicating from very different perspectives. Vera and Ed – like many men and women – want different
things when they talk about their everyday problems. Understanding the difference between what men and women often
want is a first step to making things better. It won’t make conflicts go away; but it may make them easier to deal with.
Men and women often (but by no means always) approach social relationships in different ways. Many men tend to
experience their relationships to others in terms of hierarchy, competence, and status. They are often more focused on
being competent in a competitive environment where some people are superiors, others equals, and still others
subordinates. Part of being involved in a competitive hierarchy is being seen as competent to solve problems. For many
men, when problems arise, the top priority is solving the problem.
Many women, however, tend to experience their relationships as a kind of web of connections with other people. Women
tend to focus less on separateness and status and more on closeness and emotional connection. For many women, when
the talk turns to everyday problems, the top priority is to feel listened to, understood and supported. Only after that
happens can problem solving begin.
(It is very important to understand that these two perspectives – hierarchy and problem solving versus emotional
connection – are gender-related but not gender-specific. Men want and are capable of emotional connection. Women
are concerned with status and competence within social hierarchies. However, men tend to focus less on emotional
connection and women tend to focus less on status and problem solving. Both modes exist among males and females; one is
simply more central than the other in either sex.)
Now this clash of perspectives causes a great deal of conflict and misunderstanding! Consider the following exchange:
Dave: Today my boss gave me an extra assignment to do a half hour before I was supposed to leave. And he wanted it at
the end of the day. I was so angry!
Ellen: Yeah. Last week, at the last minute, my secretary scheduled another client for me to see. I wasn’t happy at all!
Dave: Why are you changing the subject? I’m trying to tell you about why I’m late, and there you go talking about
something that happened to you! Do you think your experience is more important than mine?
Ellen: Chill out! I was just trying to sympathize! I was just trying to show you that I understand what you were
experiencing!
This is a classic! Dave feels that Ellen is changing the subject because she is talking about something that happened to
her. But Ellen doesn’t experience herself as changing the subject – she describes her own similar experience so that Dave
can feel understood. The conflict occurred because Dave and Ellen approached the same interaction from very different
perspectives.
Here’s another all-too-common example:
Duncan: Where do you want to eat tonight?
Cindy: Do you want to go to Vincenzo’s?
Duncan: I’m asking you where you want to go!
Cindy: I just told you! Why don’t we go to Vincenzo’s?
Duncan: You didn’t just tell me; you asked me what I wanted!
Cindy: I don’t want to make the decision myself. I’m trying to be considerate. When I say, ‘Why not Vincenzo’s’, I’m
saying that I want to go there, but only if you do.
Duncan: You want me to read your mind. Why can’t you just say what you want?
Cindy: I don’t want to be so explicit. You could try a little mind reading, you know.
Here we go again! Duncan wants Cindy to be straight with him – cut to the chase and tell me what you want! Duncan
wants the problem solved. Cindy, however, wants to preserve the emotional connection. By only hinting at what she
wants, she tries to take into account Duncan’s feelings. The result is something that neither partner wanted to happen!
So, who’s right? Really – no one. They’re just frustratingly different! So, what’s a couple to do?
- Understand the differences. You can go a long way simply to understand the types of differences in male and
female conversation styles. Simply understanding can help a lot. - Don’t assume the worst. It’s difficult, but it might help to try to assume that your partner is doing his or her best.
After all, this person loves you. Is he or she really trying to do you harm? - Men: Try some mindreading. Being able to intuit what your partner wants on the basis of verbal and nonverbal
cues is a skill. It takes time to develop. You don’t have to abandon your own style of communicating. Your
partner will almost certainly appreciate your attempt to intuit what she wants. - Men: What would I want if I wanted to feel supported? When your partner seems to be talking about a problem,
consider the possibility that her first priority may not be to solve it. Instead, she may simply want to feel
understood. Ask yourself, “If I wanted simply wanted to know that someone understands and sympathizes with my
feelings, what would I want?” Try to do just that. - Women: Try a bit of directness. Even though you might fear being rude or selfish, you might consider trying to be
more direct in your communication. One way to be direct without being presumptuous is simply to provide
information about how you feel. “I like Vincenzo’s, but I’m open to what you want too.” - Women: Try to hear your mate’s attempt to fix the problem as an attempt to make you feel better. In all
likelihood, your mate is trying to make you feel better by trying to help you solve the problem. If you can hear his
“solutions” in that way, perhaps you can accept them more easily. It’s also okay to tell your partner, well, go onto
the next item to find out… - Coach each other’s conversational focus: If you feel frustrated, try telling each other just what you want out of a
conversation. It’s okay to say, “I don’t want you to try to fix the problem, I just need you to understand” or “I
know you don’t want to be rude, but I really just want to know what you think” or something similar. - Identify when conflicts occur. Come up with a code word or phrase (“I think we have a clash of perspectives
here”) to identify when you think that there is a problem of perspectives. If you can identify when clashes occur,
you can sit down and identify whether or not you understand each other.
Relationships develop through talk. And when talk fails, that’s when more talk is needed. Reducing gender-based barriers
to communication can make a big difference in your attempts to manage the inevitable conflicts that arise in any
relationship.
| © Copyright 200-2011, Michael F. Mascolo Ph.D.& Associates 1-866-55-COACH (1-866-552-6224)-- In Massachusetts 978.979.8745 |
| Communication Between the Sexes: The Clash of Perspectives Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D.
