Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D.
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Life and Relationship Coaching
Conflict between people is an inevitable and unavoidable part of life. We ordinarily think that conflict as something to
existence of conflict is not a problem. The problem is not conflict itself, but how the people involved handle the
conflict. This is as true of conflicts between parents and children as it is for any type of conflict. How we handle
conflict is crucial in the development of any relationship. There are many ways to manage conflict. One way is the
pursuit of win-win solutions – ways of resolving conflicts in which both partners can meet their needs without feeling
slighted.
The case of conflict between parents and children raises special issues. This is because the parent-child relationship
is inherently and necessarily an asymmetrical one. Parents have more authority, power and influence than their
children. The imbalance between the parent and the child is a necessary one. Parents must define the limits of
acceptable and unacceptable behavior for their children. Literally hundreds of studies back up the everyday belief
that children need guidance, direction and discipline in order to grow up to be responsible, empathic and competent
adults. But this raises an important question: Given that parents have more authority over the child, how should
parent-child conflict be managed? Given that parents are supposed to guide and discipline their children, shouldn’t
conflict be decided in favor of the more knowledgeable party – the parent?
Not necessarily. If we think of conflict as a zero-sum game – a competition in which we either win or lose – we have
already lost. There are at least four ways of resolving conflicts between parents and child: (a) the parent wins and
the child loses; (b) the child wins and the parent loses; (c) the parent and child reach a compromise; and (d) the
parent and child reach a win-win solution. The first three strategies follow from the idea of conflict as a power
struggle or competition. Only the last strategy avoids the trap of thinking of conflict as a kind power struggle with
winners and losers. Of course, even if we work very hard to work toward win-win solutions, parents are hu man
beings. We all use each strategy from time to time.
The “parent wins/child loses” strategy is the primary disciplinary of the authoritarian parent. For this parent, the
parent is the unquestioned authority and the child must conform to the rules, not matter what. For example, imagine
a typical conflict situation, adapted from Thomas Gordon’s classic Parent Effectiveness Training: On a cold and rainy
day, Sarah refuses her mother’s request to wear a raincoat. The following illustrates the parent wins/child loses
strategy:
Mother: “It’s raining out. Put on your raincoat.”
Sarah: “I don’t want to wear my raincoat.”
Mother: “I said for you to put on your raincoat. If you don’t put it
on, no party on Saturday.”
Sarah: (Reluctantly putting on the raincoat) “I hate this coat.”
The “child wins/parent loses” strategy is the solution of the permissive parent. The permissive parent is one who
often “gives in” to the child’s requests. Parents may feel the need to be permissive for many reasons. They may do
so out of a sense of love for their children, out of frustration over a child’s constant whining, or out of a genuine belief
that parental control undermines a child’s natural developmental tendencies.
Here is an example:
Mother: “It’s raining out. Why don’t you go and put on your new raincoat.”
Sarah: “I hate that raincoat. Everyone will laugh at me if I wear it.”
Mother: “What do you mean? It’s a lovely raincoat. Please put it on for me?”
Sarah: “I hate that coat; you can’t make me put it on”
Mother: "(Exasperated) Allright then, you don’t have to wear it. But it’s such a nice coat!"
In the third strategy – compromise – both parent and child get part of what they want and give in a bit to the other
person:
Mother: “It’s raining out. Why don’t you go and put on your raincoat.”
Sarah: “I hate that raincoat. Everyone will laugh at me if I wear it.”
Mother: “But it’s cold out and I don’t want you to get wet. Wear the coat”
Sarah: “I’ll wear the coat but only from here to the bus. I’m not going into school wearing it.”
Mother: "(Exasperated) Okay, at least you won’t get wet waiting.”
Each of the solutions described above are based on the idea that conflicts are necessarily power struggles. But it is
not helpful to think of conflicts in this way. It is important to remember that whenever people act, they behave for a
reason. People act in order to meet their needs. We tend to think that in a conflict, both parties interests are in
opposition. The mother wants the child to wear the coat and the child does not want to wear it. However, often -- and
much more often than we might think – each person in the conflict wants or needs something different than what the
other person thinks. The people in the conflict are trying to meet different needs! Is there a way that the conflict can
be resolved so that both persons get what they want or need? This is the goal of the win-win strategy. Here is one
of many possible win-win solutions to the conflict between Sarah and her mother.
Mother: “It’s raining out. Why don’t you go and put on your raincoat.”
Sarah: “I hate that raincoat. Everyone will laugh at me if I wear it.”
Mother: “I didn’t know you hated that coat! I want you to be warm and dry. I don’t want you to catch a
cold. Is there a way that you can be warm and dry and not have everyone laugh at you?”
Sarah: “I like your blue raincoat. It’s really cool.”
Mother: “What? That old and ugly thing? I can’t believe you actually like it.
If you want to wear it, it’s fine with me!”In this situation, it became clear that Sarah and her mother were arguing about
different things. Both had different needs that did not need to be in conflict with one another. Through discussion,
Sarah and her mother were able to come up with a solution that would meet the mother’s desire that Sarah be warm
and dry, as well as Sarah’s desire to look cool in front of her friends. A win-win solution!
Now, if you’ve made it this far, you might be thinking: “I’m the parent. I’m not going to negotiate with my child!” But
wait. What is the rule that the outcome that the parent is trying to achieve? The parent wants the child to be warm
and dry. The parent has not given in. It is unacceptable to her that Sarah be cold and wet. It is acceptable to the
parent that Sarah wear another coat. If, for some reason, it was unacceptable to the mother that Sarah wear the blue
raincoat, the discussion would have to continue. Mother and daughter would have to search for a different win-win
solution.
And no, not all interactions can be as smooth as easy as the hypothetical win-win solution described here! Parents
are human! Children are human! Even when we want to work things out in a calm way and search for win-win
solutions, we may be tired, angry, confused or busy. Part of being a parent is learning to forgive yourself!
Life often gets in the way of smooth negotiations. Yes, win-win solutions can be hard to achieve. An sometimes they
can’t be achieved! But with practice, we can become more successful, more of the time.
To make win-win solutions work, a parent has to think clearly about what she or he really wants in a given conflict.
After a while, however, your child will not only come to see that you respect his needs, your child will also come to
respect your needs, desires and standards. A relationship of mutual respect will have developed. It will be a
relationship in which you maintain your authority -- you are certainly not going to give up your high standards! Your
relationship will be one in which you are able to control conflicts rather than one in which conflicts controls you.
Further Reading on Managing Conflict
Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (1999). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk. Perennial Currents.
Gordon, T. (2000). Parent effectiveness training: The proven program for raising responsible children.
Three Rivers Press.
Fisher, R., Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991). Getting to yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in (2nd
Edition). Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
existence of conflict is not a problem. The problem is not conflict itself, but how the people involved handle the
conflict. This is as true of conflicts between parents and children as it is for any type of conflict. How we handle
conflict is crucial in the development of any relationship. There are many ways to manage conflict. One way is the
pursuit of win-win solutions – ways of resolving conflicts in which both partners can meet their needs without feeling
slighted.
The case of conflict between parents and children raises special issues. This is because the parent-child relationship
is inherently and necessarily an asymmetrical one. Parents have more authority, power and influence than their
children. The imbalance between the parent and the child is a necessary one. Parents must define the limits of
acceptable and unacceptable behavior for their children. Literally hundreds of studies back up the everyday belief
that children need guidance, direction and discipline in order to grow up to be responsible, empathic and competent
adults. But this raises an important question: Given that parents have more authority over the child, how should
parent-child conflict be managed? Given that parents are supposed to guide and discipline their children, shouldn’t
conflict be decided in favor of the more knowledgeable party – the parent?
Not necessarily. If we think of conflict as a zero-sum game – a competition in which we either win or lose – we have
already lost. There are at least four ways of resolving conflicts between parents and child: (a) the parent wins and
the child loses; (b) the child wins and the parent loses; (c) the parent and child reach a compromise; and (d) the
parent and child reach a win-win solution. The first three strategies follow from the idea of conflict as a power
struggle or competition. Only the last strategy avoids the trap of thinking of conflict as a kind power struggle with
winners and losers. Of course, even if we work very hard to work toward win-win solutions, parents are hu man
beings. We all use each strategy from time to time.
The “parent wins/child loses” strategy is the primary disciplinary of the authoritarian parent. For this parent, the
parent is the unquestioned authority and the child must conform to the rules, not matter what. For example, imagine
a typical conflict situation, adapted from Thomas Gordon’s classic Parent Effectiveness Training: On a cold and rainy
day, Sarah refuses her mother’s request to wear a raincoat. The following illustrates the parent wins/child loses
strategy:
Mother: “It’s raining out. Put on your raincoat.”
Sarah: “I don’t want to wear my raincoat.”
Mother: “I said for you to put on your raincoat. If you don’t put it
on, no party on Saturday.”
Sarah: (Reluctantly putting on the raincoat) “I hate this coat.”
The “child wins/parent loses” strategy is the solution of the permissive parent. The permissive parent is one who
often “gives in” to the child’s requests. Parents may feel the need to be permissive for many reasons. They may do
so out of a sense of love for their children, out of frustration over a child’s constant whining, or out of a genuine belief
that parental control undermines a child’s natural developmental tendencies.
Here is an example:
Mother: “It’s raining out. Why don’t you go and put on your new raincoat.”
Sarah: “I hate that raincoat. Everyone will laugh at me if I wear it.”
Mother: “What do you mean? It’s a lovely raincoat. Please put it on for me?”
Sarah: “I hate that coat; you can’t make me put it on”
Mother: "(Exasperated) Allright then, you don’t have to wear it. But it’s such a nice coat!"
In the third strategy – compromise – both parent and child get part of what they want and give in a bit to the other
person:
Mother: “It’s raining out. Why don’t you go and put on your raincoat.”
Sarah: “I hate that raincoat. Everyone will laugh at me if I wear it.”
Mother: “But it’s cold out and I don’t want you to get wet. Wear the coat”
Sarah: “I’ll wear the coat but only from here to the bus. I’m not going into school wearing it.”
Mother: "(Exasperated) Okay, at least you won’t get wet waiting.”
Each of the solutions described above are based on the idea that conflicts are necessarily power struggles. But it is
not helpful to think of conflicts in this way. It is important to remember that whenever people act, they behave for a
reason. People act in order to meet their needs. We tend to think that in a conflict, both parties interests are in
opposition. The mother wants the child to wear the coat and the child does not want to wear it. However, often -- and
much more often than we might think – each person in the conflict wants or needs something different than what the
other person thinks. The people in the conflict are trying to meet different needs! Is there a way that the conflict can
be resolved so that both persons get what they want or need? This is the goal of the win-win strategy. Here is one
of many possible win-win solutions to the conflict between Sarah and her mother.
Mother: “It’s raining out. Why don’t you go and put on your raincoat.”
Sarah: “I hate that raincoat. Everyone will laugh at me if I wear it.”
Mother: “I didn’t know you hated that coat! I want you to be warm and dry. I don’t want you to catch a
cold. Is there a way that you can be warm and dry and not have everyone laugh at you?”
Sarah: “I like your blue raincoat. It’s really cool.”
Mother: “What? That old and ugly thing? I can’t believe you actually like it.
If you want to wear it, it’s fine with me!”In this situation, it became clear that Sarah and her mother were arguing about
different things. Both had different needs that did not need to be in conflict with one another. Through discussion,
Sarah and her mother were able to come up with a solution that would meet the mother’s desire that Sarah be warm
and dry, as well as Sarah’s desire to look cool in front of her friends. A win-win solution!
Now, if you’ve made it this far, you might be thinking: “I’m the parent. I’m not going to negotiate with my child!” But
wait. What is the rule that the outcome that the parent is trying to achieve? The parent wants the child to be warm
and dry. The parent has not given in. It is unacceptable to her that Sarah be cold and wet. It is acceptable to the
parent that Sarah wear another coat. If, for some reason, it was unacceptable to the mother that Sarah wear the blue
raincoat, the discussion would have to continue. Mother and daughter would have to search for a different win-win
solution.
And no, not all interactions can be as smooth as easy as the hypothetical win-win solution described here! Parents
are human! Children are human! Even when we want to work things out in a calm way and search for win-win
solutions, we may be tired, angry, confused or busy. Part of being a parent is learning to forgive yourself!
Life often gets in the way of smooth negotiations. Yes, win-win solutions can be hard to achieve. An sometimes they
can’t be achieved! But with practice, we can become more successful, more of the time.
To make win-win solutions work, a parent has to think clearly about what she or he really wants in a given conflict.
After a while, however, your child will not only come to see that you respect his needs, your child will also come to
respect your needs, desires and standards. A relationship of mutual respect will have developed. It will be a
relationship in which you maintain your authority -- you are certainly not going to give up your high standards! Your
relationship will be one in which you are able to control conflicts rather than one in which conflicts controls you.
Further Reading on Managing Conflict
Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (1999). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk. Perennial Currents.
Gordon, T. (2000). Parent effectiveness training: The proven program for raising responsible children.
Three Rivers Press.
Fisher, R., Ury, W., & Patton, B. (1991). Getting to yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in (2nd
Edition). Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
| © Copyright 2009, Michael F. Mascolo Ph.D.& Associates 1-866-55-COACH (1-866-552-6224)-- In Massachusetts 978.979.8745 |
| by Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |