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How to Improve Your Relationship
Even If You're the Only One Trying:
Step 6
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PRINCIPLE: Work toward Win-Win Solutions to Problems in which Both Parties Get What they Want.  
Attempt to Find Ways to Fulfill Your Partner’s Needs, But Without Giving In

What You Can Do:   In any given conversation, after you have allowed your partner to express his or her
needs and after you have listened deeply, you can then extend the conversation.  You can now begin to
express your own needs.  When you do this, there are some important ground rules.  They are:

    1.  Don’t blame, criticize, use sarcasm or anger.  Simply state your needs

    2.  Use “I-Statements” rather than “You-Statements”.  

    You-Statements say something about the other person – they tend to blame and criticize.  
    “You always ignore me when you come home!”  “You never give me the benefit of the
    doubt!”  “You are always overspending!”  

    I-Statements express your feelings and need without blame. “I feel as if you don’t want to be
    with me when you watch TV when you come home”; “I feel as if you don’t trust me when …”,
    “I’m worried that we may not have enough money at the end of the month.  How can we find
    a way to pay all of our bills?”

    3.   Don’t say what you don’t want (e.g., “I don’t want you to go in the other room and watch TV
    and ignore me when you get home.”); instead, say what you do want (e.g., “After you have your
    down time, I would like you to have a conversation with me in which you give me your undivided
    attention).

    4.   After you both have the opportunity to discuss what you want, try to find "win-win" solutions --
    solutions n which you can both get what you want.  You may be surprised how often it is possible to
    reach win-win solutions when you have built good will between each other and when you have
    committed yourself to trying to understand and address your partner’s needs.  

    For example, Cindy and Tom might decide that when Tom comes home, he spends a half our of
    “alone time” in front of the TV without any distractions.  After that, he agrees to have a
    conversation with Cindy about what happened during their days.
And there you have it.  It takes time and effort, but it can be done.   You will have to take the high road for a
bit of time, but, if you stick to it, in many if not most cases, the rewards will be well worth the efforts.
6.  How Do I Get My Partner to Hear What I Have to Say?  How do I Express My Needs?  How Do I Get My
Needs Met?

PRINCIPLE:  After You Are Able to Show Your Partner that You Care about His or Her Needs, He or She
Will Be More Open to Addressing Your Needs

PRINCIPLE: As You See That Your Partner is Responding to Your Overtures, It's Time for You To Assert
Your Needs
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©  Copyright 2009-2011, Michael F. Mascolo Ph.D.& Associates
1-866-55-COACH (1-866-552-6224)-- In Massachusetts 978.979.8745